


House of Laughs

by radmew



Category: House of Cards (US TV), Late Night Host RPF
Genre: Bitterness, Comedy, Gen, Murder, Revenge, implied conan/andy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-22
Updated: 2017-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-09 10:34:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10410222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/radmew/pseuds/radmew
Summary: After all these years, Conan O'Brien is still bitter over losing The Tonight Show to Jimmy Fallon, and he'll do anything to get it back. A tale of revenge, greed, and murderOkay so I wrote this in 8th grade and it could definitely use some revising but I'm still fond of the story and I finally finished transcribing it from my journal so I was dying to post it here. I'll revise eventually.Also just to be clear, this is supposed to be satire. Or a parody of House of Cards. It's whatever you want it to be, I guess. It's supposed to be funny whatever it is. I don't actually believe that Conan is a murderer or any of that.





	1. Act I

“Would you like some crack with that?” The overzealous man joked. Jimmy Fallon gave a half--hearted laugh, with dead eyes. 

“Yeah man… classic.” He said, thinking in his mind that “classic” is another word for overused and unfunny. Honestly, this was not funny in the first place. Why are you insisting on this being your catchphrase? Why do you think you deserve a catchphrase, you lizard man?! Jimmy had thought about this much before. 

Sometimes Jimmy fantasized about killing his podium guy. He deserved better, right? Sometimes he lie in bed at night next to his wife, and all he could think of was smashing his head against his precious podium. Smashing, smashing, smashing…

But this was a comedy, and like a married couple pretending to be in love for the kids, he’d pretend every night that he has not had these thoughts. But with each dumb, stupid, painful joke that he made, it was harder to pretend.

\- - 

“Aren’t you so happy to be part of the TBS family, Conan?”

Conan gave a melancholy Irish grin.

“Of course.”

The new assistant smiled and handed him a caramel french roast coffee. Conan’s fake smile faded as he walked away and he stared into the distance. Not a day went by without him thinking about his missed opportunities at NBC. Every day his bitterness grew. It should have been me, it should have been me, he repeated to himself while watching Jimmy Fallon every night. Every day, every hour since he’s been fired, he’s been planning his revenge at NBC. Jay Leno had left leaving Jimmy Fallon in charge. It didn’t matter. He’d do anything for that position.

“Would you like some crack with that?”

Conan hears podium guy say, like he does every night, while everyone pretends to like the joke. Pretends to like him. No one would miss him if he were gone. Not even JImmy. He didn’t have anything special like him and Richter. His podium guy probably had never even mentioned the Podium Code to him. He could be massacred in the streets, and no one would care…

Conan had an idea  
\- -  
“Great show tonight, Jim,” Steve Higgins said. He patted Jimmy Fallon on his back, and Jimmy tensed.

“Yeah… Great.. Great job man,”

The podium monkey gave an innocent smile. Like he didn’t know what he was doing. He had gotten his dream job, and now this guy needs to ruin it? What, was he bitterly trying to get revenge on him for a job he wanted? What could he have done to deserve this cruel torture from this potato of a man? 

Jimmy sighed, and left without saying goodbye.

“Jimmy? Hey Jim? Where’d ya go??” Steve cried out like a kitten looking for milk. He sighed and held back tears. He sat in Jimmy's desk and pretended to interview Helen Mirren.  
“So did you ask for crack with this movie deal?” Steve asked the empty seat. The potato man's soul ached. He felt as empty as that seat.

Little did he know that a irish preying mantis hovered above his head like a raincloud. Conans forehead loomed above the small man as he caught Steve in a chokehold.

“You want some crack with this, Buddy????? You want some crack BITCH!”

Conan dragged the human potato to his much-loved podium and tied him to it. He rolled the podium out to his car and threw him in. Conan jumped in front and took a long drive out to a river out in the country.

“Oh friend, this has been a loooooong time coming.” The insect man grabbed the podium and rolled him into the river, and back to his throne in hell.  
\--- 

“What, so Steve is missing?” Jimmy said in a panicked voice.

“Yeah. And do you wanna guess who the lead suspect is, buddy?”

Jimmy’s eyes turned wide “Are you implying that I killed my own podium guy?”

“Happens more often than you’d think,” the cop accused.

“Look, look, me and Steve had problems, but I’d never actually kill him!” Jimmy said, becoming more frantic by the minute.

“Whatever you say. But there was always a clear tension between you and Higgens, and your wife says you’ve had fantasies about killing him. She’s scared, Jimmy.”

Jimmy stood there flabbergasted. He’d never kill Steve! They were best friends! Best friends…

Ah, who was he kidding! He was ecstatic! That asshole was finally dead!! Halleluyah!

But Jimmy couldn’t tell the authorities that. He had to act like a normal host with a dead podium guy.

“Cop, I’m devastated about podium guy.”

“Steve Higgins” the cop corrected.

“Yeah, that dude. We were best friends. I still remember, throwing the ‘ol pigskin around with him on the weekends.”

“What do you mean, pigskin? Would you throw pigskins to Higgins as an intimidation tactic?” 

“What? No!” Jimmy lied. “We would play football with the guys all the time!”

“Who are the guys?”

“Uh, Seth, Fred, Jerry, Jon, Jay, the guys!”

“Alright. We’ll get back to you soon, co-host killer.”

Jimmy was terrified. Who had killed his podium guy?

\- -  
“Yes. I killed Steve Higgins.”

“Conan. How could you do this! You're in some deep shit now! And how short-sighted is that? Podium code insists that you have to be Jimmy's podium guy now!”

“Don’t you see, Andy? This is my plan! I kill Steve to get the podium and scare Jimmy! You see, I’m funnier than him! And when I get up there, they’ll all see… Jimmy will be a ruin,” Conan laughed “It’s mine. It’s all mine!”

“Jesus Christ, Conan…” Andy sighed.  
Conan stared down Andy, his forehead looming “That position will be mine. There's no stopping me. You’ll never stop me, Richter.”

“You’re crazy,” Andy said.

Conan laughed “That's what they all say. What reviewers say about my show, ‘Oh, Conan is Crazy on TBS! Conan is Wild! Well, I’ll show ‘em crazy. I’ll show wild, all right. And you’ll help me.”

Andy Richter looked down. He loved Conan too much, he was too loyal. He would help Conan win.  
\- -  
“Conan is going to replace Steve Higgins? Conan O’ Brien?”

“Mmhmm. Don’t ask me why he wanted the job, but he was very passionate about it.” Lorne Michaels said.

Jimmy felt a pang of hope. Conan O'Brien was actually funny! This was going to be so much fun.

“Well, thanks for the info, Lorne.”

“No problem, Jimmy. I was absolutely devastated to hear about Steve. He was so much fun to work with on SNL..”

Higgins was on SNL? Jimmy must’ve blocked it out.

“Yeah, me too… Ah, man. I’m just so taken by surprise. I mean, Jesus…”

“My best guess is that a crazy superfan kidnapped him,” Lorne suggested.

“Yeah, that could be…” Jimmy lied.

“Well, I’ll talk to ya later JImmy. And, uh, take care!” 

Jimmy was so excited. Conan O'Brien would be his new co-host!  
\- -  
“Hey, Jimmy!”

“Hey, Conan!”

They both proceeded to say stuff like “Aha, oh you!”, “Oh, It's Been awhile!” and then th ey hugged.  
“I was so excited to hear that you’d be my new co-host! Ah, man, I love your show!” Jimmy exclaimed.

“Yeah, I watch your show a lot too. So excited to be a part of the NBC family” Conan smirked “Again!”

They both shared a chuckle. Jimmy had a good feeling about this.  
\- -  
“And welcome to The Tonight Show, with Jimmy Fallon!” the redhead yowled as their first show started.

The two proceeded to give the funniest hours of comedy that NBC had provided since 30 Rock was cancelled. Conan was absolutely stealing the show.

Stealing it…

As the show ended, Jimmy felt faced with an opposite problem. Instead Steve stealing his jokes and tainting them, they were being made better… a lot better…. Jimmy felt threatened.

After the show ended, Jimmy went to the empty stage. As he always did when he was anxious, he went to The Roots keyboard and play the “Thank You Notes” music. He sighed, and was beginning to leave, when he noticed something.

A tuft of red hair lay beneath the podium. The hair was Ron-Weasley red. Just like…

Conan.

What had this Irish Madman done?  
\- -  
Conan had all of his ducks in a row. He had left just enough evidence so Jimmy would know, but not enough to prove it.

In Steve Higgins dressing room, he had dropped off a bag of letters, and they all contained notes like this

“Dear Stevie,  
I loved you on Jimmy last night. I wish I could be there with you. I adore you Higgins. I like your hair. You make really good jokes. I started crack because your jokes “Crack” me up so much! Oh Stevie, one day I’m gonna take you and your podium to my house and we can be together forever! See you then, love.  
J.F.”  
Conan was proud of that. He laughed as he laced through them with latex gloves. And all of them were from “J.F”and addressed from New York City. He also got in touch with someone who managed to get him Jimmy’s prints and saliva, and he had put them on the letters. He just had to wait for the police to find them.

The man had zoned out with his maniacal laughter, when he heard a knock on the door. 

“Conan?” Andy Richter said, concern in his voice.

“Oh!” Conan snapped back into it “Yes?”

“The podium ceremony went well last night,”

Conan nodded “ I think so. Although I didn’t know Daily show correspondents counted as ‘Podium People’.” 

“I was surprised too, at my first ceremony all those years ago,” Andy laughed.

“But that Fred guy always freaks me out. He was like,playing that big drum, and blankly staring into the void…”

“Yeah, yeah… Some people can’t keep their eyes off of it. You know, if mortals looked at it for that long, they’d die.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about that.”

Andy nodded “So… How's the usurping going?”

Conan smirked “I’d say it’s going well. I just have to wait for the police to find it.”

“Have they found any of it yet? The letters, his DNA on the body, the diary, the car…”

“None of it, as far as I know.”  
\- -  
“Are you trying to tell me that Jimmy Fallon wrote Steve Higgins love letters, put some more stuff in his diary, then licked and caressed him before he killed him, and then left some blood and hair in his trunk?”

“Mr. Colbert, I’m just here to bring you the facts,”

“I don’t know. He never struck me as that kind of a person... “ he paused “But I could see it happening. That guy was annoying, God rest his soul.”  
-  
“Do I think Jimmy murdered a man? Hell no.”

“Seth, I implore you to be objective here. Mr. Fallon-”

“You mean Jimmy,” Seth corrected.

“-Could’ve murdered a man. Can you stand easy with that?”

Seth sighed, and didn't answer.  
-  
“What's the deal?”

“Mr. Seinfeld, I’d appreciate it if you’d take this seriously.”

Jerry sighed and nodded.

“Did you ever play football with Jimmy and Steve?”

“Jimmy? Yes. Steve? No. If you tried to invite Steve to football, he would give you a piece of pigskin. It was a joke between us.”  
-  
“I knew Jimmy would murder that boy. I saw that look in his eyes. Like a puma, disturbed by a chatty woodchuck. I have no doubt, Jimmy killed Steve.”

“Mr. Armisen, how long would you say this has been going on?”

“Ever since I met him.”

“You met him before he was acquainted with Steve though,didn’t you?”

“I think murder has always lied in his heart. It just took a man like Steve to dig it up.”  
-  
“I know Jimmy Fallon. He would not murder another man unless he had to. He… he must have been forced by someone…”

“And um, Mr.Leno,” the policeman sighed “Who would you suggest did that?”

Jay sighed. He knew that if he didn’t keep these thoughts quiet, they would finally be forced to send him to the madhouse. But, he knew this was the work of the Irish Madman.  
\- -  
Jay Leno’s DIary  
Feb. 28th, 2010  
Today Conan bought me my daily coffee, a cookies and cream frappuccino. But it tasted almost… metallic. It was weird. I don’t trust that guy. His eyebrows… they’re freaky. And then, during rehearsal, I threw up. I think I should go to the hospital, but dammit, that preying mantis managed to get me on a day where I just have to work. I got home, ready to just “ride” out the sickness in one of my vintage cars. But when I got there, that little irish rat had smashed them all up. I thought my gate would prevent that, but apparently, the man is too nimble. He has me so scared. I think he’ll only be done messing with me once I’m dead, dear diary. I just hope he doesn’t come for me in my sleep. I’ve got a gun, just in case.  
\- -  
“Jay. Jay! You gotta help me!

“With what?” Jay said nonchalantly.

“You know what.”

“The Irish Cricket come for you, Jimmy?”

“Yes, Conan!”

“ Don’t say his name,” Jay warned.

“Okay, okay,” Jimmy calmed himself down “ So will you help me?”

Jay sighed “I’m afraid not, my boy.”

“Because I know what he can do, Jimmy! He’s gonna kill us both! He’s a madman. He’ll do anything to get what he believes he deserves. I’m not getting involved! He’ll kill me this time! He’ll kill me, Jimmy!”

“Well then what should I do?”

“Don’t ask me. I retired, but that’s not an option for you, youngster,” Jay said,shaking his head. 

“Wait,” Jimmy said, almost unbelieving “Is he gonna kill me because this used to be his job, and then you took it, and then you gave it to me?” 

“How haven’t you already pieced it together, you worthless chipmunk!”

“This is your fault!” Jimmy screamed, eyes wide “This is all your fault! If you had just let Conan keep your spot, he wouldn’t be trying to kill me right now!” Jimmy was heaving with anxiety” You goddamn bastard!”

“Don’t put it all on me, Jimmy! You should’ve seen it coming when you took the job!”  
He knew Jay was right. He was an idiot… He had just gotten his dream to be killed by Conan the Conqueror.  
\- -  
“Awesome! Awesome! I love it!” Conan said, practicing his Jimmy impression.

“Jimmy” had five interviews lined up today. “Jimmy” was retiring from late night to focus on his movie career. “Jimmy” wanted Conan to take his place.

The phone rang.

“Hello, is this Jimmy?”

“Right on!” Conan said.

“Now, you said you wanted to announce something today! What is that?”

“I’m leaving the Tonight Show.”

“Really? Oh, this is juicy!”

“Yeah. Y’know, with the whole Steve Higgins thing, I just got too much pressure on me! I’m gonna go into the movies, Yeah, I’ve always loved movies.”

“Movies? Interesting” she paused “Anyone in mind to replace you?”

The Irish Menace smiled, ready to claim his prize “Conan O’ Brien.”  
\- -  
Jimmy Fallon opened up the New York Times. He sipped his vanilla latte anxiously, when he came across an article.

“Jimmy Fallon steps down from Tonight Show!”

What? Jimmy had never said that! It must’ve been…. Conan.

But how? Did he drug him? Did the thing where you piece sound bites together? Did he impersonate him? What had this man done? 

“Conan!” Jimmy yelled.

“Yes?”

“You irish bastard.”

Conan laughed “You hear my, er, your interview?”

“You impersonated me!”

“And did you read the whole thing?” Conan laughed “The best part is, is that you endorsed me as the next host! And I’ll get it, of course. Because people like me and Andy. God knows, they won’t give it to Seth.”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

Conan stopped laughing “ Because this is my destiny. I’m supposed to be on NBC late night, it’s written in the stars, baby. And you’d better not tell anyone about this. With the whole Steve Higgins situation, I don’t believe it’d go over well.”

Jimmy began to weep, it was all he could do. Conan won


	2. Act II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I badmouth Seth Meyers in this chapter, which i no longer feel, but it's necessary to the plot at this point. It did used to be kinda crappy at the time of writing (May 2015), at least as far as I remember, but it is now one of my top late night shows.

“And welcome to the Tonight show with Jimmy Fallon!” Conan said, proud. Tonight was Jimmy's last night, and millions had tuned in to the the Podium Killer finally exit the show. They weren’t totally wrong, they were watching the killer… Only he wasn't leaving.

Jimmy’s eyes were red from crying. Tonight he’d lose his dream job, and he’d never get it back. But then, Jimmy realized, thats exactly how Conan felt 4 years ago. With a deep breath, JImmy prepared for his final show.  
\- -  
“I’m so sad to be leaving you all. But it’s for the best: Jimmy said, trying to convince himself as well as the crowd, “I’m gonna see all of you again. In the movies.” Jimmy joked while holding back tears.

The show came to an end. He couldn’t imagine what he would do after this. That mean, redhead giraffe had completely ruined his life. And who’s to say that’s enough for him? What if Conan kills him? Jimmy decided to keep a gun under his pillow, just in case.  
\- -  
“And welcome to the Tonight Show with Conan o'Brien!” Andy Richter screamed, voice booming. He was just who America needed. Not a couple constantly competing, but a couple who had been together for years but acted like newlyweds. It’s what a Post- Steve Higgins world needed.

Conan had opted to keep some bits, while scrapping others. He kept Thank You notes, and got rid of Bottom of the Charts, or whatever its called. Critics have said that his first show was amazing, and that he deserved the spot. Conan laughed bitterly, he knew that for years, but he gladly took the praise.  
Other fans argued that Seth deserved the spot, and idea Conan found absurd. What had Seth ever done but be there? No one liked him. Not really.  
\- -  
The next day, Conan was at a Starbucks, drinking a mocha frappuccino. There, he saw Seth, sipping a chai latte. Conan glared, and got up.

“Seth!” Conan exclaimed, smile plastered on. His lanky body slipped into the booth.

“Conan,” Seth said, bitterly.

“Is something wrong?”

“I’ll tell you what's wrong,” Seth glared, voice low and angry “That was MY job to take. MY job!!! They don’t give shows to podium people! They just don’t!” Seth said, tears welling up in his eyes. 

Conan remained cold, and leaned closer to Seth on the opposite side of the booth “I am no podium person, bitch. And you’re no late night host.”

Seth looked him in the eye, astounded “What's that supposed to mean?

“It means you are not funny. That your jokes are stale. It means that your podium person is funnier than you, and one day he’s gonna slit your throat and rise to power.”

Seth squinted “He wouldn’t. He’s like a sweet little rabbit, he wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“He’s tougher than he looks. He stares into the ceremony void for hours at at time,”

“What the hell is the ceremony void?”

Conan laughed. Of course he didn’t what that was. They weren’t friends, at least not as good as he let on.

The small rabbit would one day kill the meerkat. This he knew. But was that soon enough for Conan? Would the meerkat kill the praying mantis?

Conan needed a plan.  
\- -  
Seth’s show had just ended when fred heard someone calling him.

“Fred?” Conan called.

“Conan?”  
“How you doing, man!” Conan said with a fake smile.

“Good, good,” Fred nodded.

“Hey, can I talk with you in private?”

“Sure!’

Conan grabbed onto Fred and brought him into his dressing room. Fred stumbled behind Conan's grasp. 

He grabbed Freds shoulders and looked him in the eye “I know what you have planned for Seth.”

Fred’s eyes widened and he began to back away “How did you know?”

“Takes one to know one,” Conan laughed “And I can’t say I blame you.”

“What do you mean…” Fred said, squinting.

“I mean, you know! He’s not a funny man! Seth brings nothing to the table. You bring it all! You’d be so much better off without him.”

Fred looked down at his feet, then closed his eyes “It’s true.”

“You could get rid of him, you know. Like I did with Jimmy.”

“You think I could? You really believe in me?” Fred smiled.

“I do.”  
\- -  
Fred peered around a corner, and scampered down to Seth Meyers dressing room.

He was prepared to kill Seth. Conan said he believed he could, and well, he always had liked Conan. This was happening.

“Seth!”

“Hey! I brought you a cuppa coffee! Ha ha!” Fred screeched, handing him a cookies and cream frappuccino, full of rat poison.

“Thanks bud!” Seth smiled, oblivious to the scheme. He took a sip.

“Hey man?” Seth asked.

“Yeah?”

“What's the ceremony void?”

Fred paused. How did Seth know about this?

“Fred?”

“Yeah! Yes, it… it's like uhhh….” he stammered 

And that's when Seth Meyers, the meerkat, the King of Weekend Update, dropped dead on the floor of 30 Rock.

Fred gasped. Suddenly the guilt began rushing in, the pain, the regret. He never disliked Seth… He sighed. This is what he had to do, for the good of America. Fred put on his Ski mask, shot the video cameras, and shot the power outlets, sparking a fire. Seth’s floor began on fire, and in the chaos of the alarms and the heat of the fire, a new host of Late Night stepped out of the building.  
\- -  
Jimmy was at the Laugh House, getting roaring drunk.

“Ahhahahha, these standups are friggen AMAZING!!!!!!” Jimmy bellowed.

There was a group of men sitting next to him, who all looked like slightly altered Kevin Smiths, and their laughs boomed across the small auditorium.  
Jimmy was spiraling. His wife was scared of him and they had separated. His only friend left in this whole thing was Seth. He had not gotten a single movie offer. Why not drown his sorrows in beer and laughter?

Laughter. A feeling Jimmy had not experienced since Steve Higgins became his number 2, not really. Now he was free from him. He was jobless, wifeless, and friendless, but at least he never had to hear another peep from that potato of a man for the rest of his days.Jimmy was happy, or at least something close to it. That is, until something caught his eye.

A podium.

The same kind as Higgins. Wood, 5 feet. His ghost began to appear in his mind. In his drunken stupor, he felt an urge to punch the ghost in the face. He lunged to punch, for Steve had stolen so many years of his life, but ultimately was too far away. Seething with anger under a bubbly, drunk state, he stumbled up to the stage.The man performing looked shocked and scared, but the look was quickly erased by a swift punch in the face from Jimmy. The microphone dropped to the ground, creating a stinging sound across the stadium. Jimmy bent down and picked it up.

“Steve Higgins, right!” Jimmy screamed. Silence filled the room.

“He was a jerk! He stole my life away! He took my happiness, my joy! Even in death, Steve Fucking Higgins is taking away my jobs, my love, my friend, my life!!!”  
Jimmy began to sob “Look at this podium! See his ghost! His face, his dumbass crack jokes! I hate him! I didn’t kill him but I wish I did! At least somebody was brave enough to stop this madness.”

There was a collective gasp. Many Jimmy fans had defended him on the case of Steve Higgins, but this… This could not be defended. This made it clear to them who took away the potato man's life. Jimmy had just killed his case.

“Steve Higgins is rotting in HELL!” He yelled as he tipped the podium over. Jimmy kicked it, and screamed and cried and cried. Years of pent up anger coming out in one moment of pure rage. Everything was gone.

“Jimmy? JIMMY!” he heard. Jimmy looked up, his entire face red, and saw Andy Richter. Andy put a hand on Jimmy's shoulder, and he slapped it away.  
“NO! I don’t need any help from you redheaded jerks! Just leave me alone! Leave me alone…”

Andy looked down at him in pity “Jimmy, you’re drunk. Let's bring you home. I have something I have to discuss with you.”

As Andy dragged him away from the scene of booing comedy club audience members, Jimmy saw Steve's ghost once again. And he swore he heard him whisper.

“I might be the one who is dead, but you’re dead inside, and I believe that is the best payback. Now, would you like some crack with that meltdown?”  
\- -  
24 HOURS EARLIER

“You lead Fred to kill Seth?”

“Are you judging me, Richter? I’m doing what I have to do!” Conan yelled.

“Conan, your rise to power now has a death count! Two people dead, BECAUSE OF YOU! Jesus Christ, Conan…

Conan hovered above Andy “Are you telling me to stop?”

Andy sighed “I guess I’m just… Surprised. I never thought that being a podium person would also mean being accessory to murder.”

“Well, here you are, bub. Better get used to it.

Andy was scared. How many had to die before he stopped this madness? How many have to die for Conan’s comfort?

“I still don’t trust that Fred guy, though,” Conan said, backing off from Andy.

“What does that mean?” Andy asked, fear bubbling up in his voice.

“It means he’s still a threat! Still an enemy!” Conan reasoned “This is war!”

“Fred is not power mad! He doesn’t want your job! Fred knows his place!”

Conan shook his head,”I really don’t trust him…”

Andy couldn’t keep letting this happen. The lying, the greed , the murder.

Andy needed a plan.  
\- -  
“Did Conan really say all of this?” Jimmy asked, still sobering up from last night.

“He did,” Andy said solemnly. “I wanted to stand by him. But he’s going too far… He’s going too far…”

Jimmy looked at his feet “Well, what do you want me to do?”

“I need you to help me take him down.”

Jimmy was perplexed “How?”

“I hadn't quite decided yet. We could kill him, or we could or we could prove him guilty.”

Jimmy paused, weighing his options. “I’d really rather kill him.”

Andy suddenly looked crestfallen. Even at the mention of it, he felt his heart weep out. He still loved Conan.

“... But I guess it’s be better for image if we proved he was guilty, and not me,” Jimmy compromised.

Andy brightened up, and put on a small smile. He didn’t believe in Conan's cause anymore, but he still wanted the best for him. And in a way, that what he doing, Andy assured himself.

“Yeah. Let's do this.”


	3. Act III

“Really? Jimmy Fallon was framed? I heard the same crack story from Jay Leno, and we all know how untrustworthy he is!”

“I’m telling you, officer, please just give us a chance!” Andy pleaded

The officer sighed “Alright, what you got?”

“His hair was found at the crime scene!”

“His hair was by the river?” the officer raised an eyebrow.

Andy paused “No, by the show stage.”

The officer sighed “That could’ve happened at any point.”

Conan 1, Jimmy 0

“Well what about Jay Leno? He could testify against Conan!”

“Nobody can trust that crazy, dry slice of wonderbread! You know that!”

“Are there official forms that say Jay Leno is untrustworthy?”

The officer paused

Conan 1, Jimmy 1

“Either way, you can’t build an entire case on one man’s testimony!”

“Try 3” Andy growled “Jimmy claims he was framed. Jay was traumatized by that man. I was his henchmen. Was.”

The policeman grunted “Tell me the whole story”

“I did what I had to do. For my best friend. My brother. We used to be like that, at least. But then he got power hungry, he got bitter, he started taking his revenge, against Jay Leno. But soon he fell completely off the wagon. He killed Steve and framed Jimmy for the murder, and I was forced to watch it all happen,” Andy was tearing up.  
“Sounds like accessory to murder to me”

“No, no, it’s not that. You gotta believe me officer. Jimmy didn’t kill Steve. They had their problems, but Jimmy is no murderer. He’s a sweet man.” Andy pleaded.  
“Anyone can be a murderer in the right conditions. And having to be with a man like Steve HIggins, well, he could turn anyone, even the sweetest person into a vile murder,” The officer pointed out.

Andy gulped “I feel like that must be the lawyer's defense.”

“That's the best defense you got, bub”

Conan 2, Jimmy 1  
\- -  
“What do you mean he didn’t accept our evidence?”

“I mean our case is lost! You will go to jail, Jimmy” Andy screamed.

JImmy slammed Andy against the wall “You useless potato sack! I get you to turn against Conan, and this is what I get out of it? I still go to jail. It’s the only way this story ends, you bitch!” Jimmy sputtered.

“I’m sorry, Jimmy, I truly-”

“I can’t accept this! I’m not guilty! I WON’T go to jail for this!”

“Conan’s too smart, Jimmy. You can’t outsmart him” Andy said, defeated.

Jimmy shook his head “Andy, you may have given up, but I haven’t. I never will. I won’t rest until that- that- that giraffe is in jail!”

“Jimmy! JIMMY! Please just listen to me!”

Jimmy paused, and loosened his grip on Andy.

“What. What do you have to tell me. You know nothing, Andy Richter.”

“I know more than you, Jimmy. I know you’re best bet in the Steve Higgins case.”

Jimmy jerked up “What? You have a case?”

“Tell them how annoying Steve was. Tell them how he ruined you. How having him dead is better for everyone. Tell them you were doing this for everyone’s well being.”  
Jimmy sighed angrily “I’m still a murderer. In the public's eyes. I’m not doing it.”

“JIm, now is not the time to be too prideful! You can’t got to jail!”

“This is not pride, you horse's ass. This, this is justice.”

“This is just one big game of revenge, Jimmy! Just stop! Just keep yourself safe! You can’t beat him!”

Jimmy paused, breathing heavily. He couldn’t believe that. He wanted justice. He needed justice.  
\- -  
Jimmy stormed out of the building as Andy stared in horror. What the hell would Jimmy do? In his mission to stop a madman, he only created another.  
But in truth, Jimmy going crazy was set in stone since Steve Higgins joined the show. One way or another, it would happen. It was his destiny. Just as in the Warrior books, one lone ginger cat cannot stop a prophecy from happening. Jimmy slammed the door open and stormed down the street, trenchcoat flapping in the wind. 

He flipped open both doors of the late night show headquarters. He walked into the dressing room, ready to just smash the man who tore his world apart into the ground. Smash, smash, smash… Slowly, take the life out of his soulless eyes, watch as he descended into hell… Succumb to his inner monster.

But, when he opened the door, only to find another treachery. Fred Armisen was beneath Conan O’ Brien, holding a hatchet to the rabbit mans head.

Conan's eyes were wide like an animal “What are you doing here?!?”

Jimmy paused “I’m here for my revenge, you rat bastard.”

Jimmy ran to Conan. He tackled him down, away from Fred.

“Calm down Ji-”

“NO! You should’ve thought of that before you killed Steve!”

“Is this about Steve? Is it really?”

Jimmy didn’t answer.

“This is about you. It’s all about you. You never gave a crap about Steve. You’ll never run out of money, you don’t need this job. You’re focusing on money, right?” Conan grinned “Don’t you try to tell me that this is about getting justice for Steve. This is about getting revenge for you. This is about you wanting to kill the man who took life as you knew it away. This is about you, preferring to kill a man instead of proving yourself in court. Why?”

Conan paused “ It’s like Fred said: You’ll always have murder in your heart. It just took a man like me to bring it out” 

Conan laughed “So kill me! You’re going to rot in jail either way!”

Jimmy breathed heavily, ax in front of his face. He couldn’t take a man like that’s opinion on anything! He had to trust his instinct, his heart… 

“Jimmy, don’t, you’re better than this!” Fred pleaded.

“You’re no better than him,” Jimmy said stoically “The only reason I’m letting you get away is because you could still get better.” 

Jimmy paused “Maybe. I still don’t trust you.”

Jimmy's eyes met Conan's. There was no fear in Conan's eyes. No remorse in Jimmy's. Only the cold, hard, need for revenge existed in Jimmy now.

Jimmy Fallon took the ax, and held it above Conan's head, and the Conqueror laughed. He threw the ax down on Conan's head hard, slicing his head in half.

“Long live the King” Jimmy mumbled coldly.

Fred screamed “Jimmy, what the hell!”

“I don’t need your goddamn judgment, Fred! Not today! It was the only way to achieve justice!”

“Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down! For god's sake, you just killed a man!”

Jimmy paused. He turned around, looking at Conan’s chopped head.

“Oh, God.”

Fred sighed anxiously “We need to hide the evidence.”

“What?”

“Hide your traces. We need to burn it. Burn it all.” Fred smiled.

“Fred, I can’t do that” 

“It’s 1am. No one else will be killed. Save yourself” Fred advised. He started to run out of the room “I’ll go get the lighter fluid!”

Jimmy sat down, face in hands, heart beating hard. A couple of seconds later, Fred was back.

“Okay, I’ll spread this over here…” he said, spraying the freshly dead body of Conan O'Brien with oil.

“ Annnnnnnd now let's start this fire” Fred said, dramatically dropping a match.

“Then run,” Fred grinned.

Jimmy nodded, and quickly ran away. He had no time to think of the atrocities he had committed as he abandoned the scene.  
\- -  
“Welcome to Dateline” the eerie voice said. Grapics floated on the screen like trash on a pond,then finally settling on a collage of Jimmy Fallon, Steve Higgins, Conan O’Brien, Andy Richter, Fred Armisen, and Seth Meyers, with the title of “Saturday Night Dead”.

“Three late night hosts dead within a few weeks. A coincidence? No. Who was really making these comedians die of laughter?”

Jimmy sat watching this on the couch, eating a frozen meal “Oh, Jesus, there's a Dateline about me now?”

“Seems so,” Andy grunted.

“What the hell will we do?”

“Will you stop worrying about yourself for one minute, you selfish bitch!” Andy began to sob “Haven’t you already done enough? My best friend is dead! You killed him!”  
“He killed Steve! He was about to kill Fred! Your best friend was a murderer, Andy!”

“I don’t care, Jimmy! You’re a murderer now, too! Don’t you see the hole you’ve dug yourself in now? You may not have killed Steve but you did kill Conan! You’re going to jail, asshole!”

“I did it for justice!” Jimmy growled.

“You did it for revenge!” Andy yelled. 

“Revenge? No! I hated Steve!”

“But he took away your life! Your job! You, you, you! YOU took away my best friends life- without my permission, might I add!”  
“Andy, he was a monster!”

Andy began to cry “I know, he.. He made some mistakes but… Killing him wasn’t the answer!”

“Then what is the answer, Andy? What?”

Andy’s voice got intense “Anything. As long as my Conan was still alive, with us. Anything would’ve been better.”  
\- -  
“Hello, this is the police”

“I’d like to submit an anonymous tip, please,” said Andy, in a Swedish accent.

“For what?”

“About Steve Higgins, Seth Meyers, and Conan O’Brian”

The police person’s eyes widened, and the leaned into the phone “Tell us.”

“Let me start from the beginning. We both know Jimmy hated Steve, right? Jimmy was fed up with him, he couldn’t stand him anymore. He tried to use fear tactics against him. Creepy love letters, throwing pigskins at him, and excluding him from group activities. These tactics didn’t work, and Jimmy just couldn’t take it anymore, and he killed him.”

“He realized what he had done was wrong, and quickly announced his retirement. But he couldn’t watch any NBC spots without feeling threatened and angry. Was wasn’t he there instead? So he killed Seth and Conan, as revenge. See how the murders are similarly hidden? All Jimmy.”

“Believe what I’m telling you, please. That man needs to be in a jail cell.”  
\- -  
“Jesus Christ Andy, what have you done? I thought we were partners!”

“Me too,” Andy said sadly.

“Is this still about Conan?” asked Conan, in disbelief “C’mon, Andy, it was the only way to stop the murders!”

“No, it wasn’t” said Andy, exasperated.

“Why do you think I could to jail but I couldn’t kill Conan?”

“Because we were gonna find a way to send Conan to jail, Jimmy!” Andy exploded “But I can send you to jail, just like that,” Andy snapped his fingers.  
Jimmy sighed. Andy had a point. Maybe he did belong in jail…

“Do you…” Jimmy paused “Do I belong in prison?”

“Yes, for sure” Andy answered with ease “You’re a murderer.”

Jimmy began to cry. He had just murdered the man who took his job! What kind of monster had he turned into?

“You’re not going to make me feel bad about this, Jimmy. I did what I had to do.”

“No, no, no. I understand” he sighed, and put his hands on Andy’s shoulders “I’ll turn myself in”  
\- -  
“Welcome to The Tonight Show with Andy Richter!”

Andy was a broken man. Conan O'Brien, his best friend and brother, was dead. Jimmy, the man who used to sit at this very desk, was on trial. But he had to keep going. The show must go on… Keep America happy, but he sometimes felt he couldn't anymore.

Jimmy Fallon’s fate would be decided tomorrow. He didn’t regret sending him there, don’t get me wrong, but he couldn’t help but feel a bit guilty. But Jimmy was a killer, and he had to put him in jail.

“Welcome, everybody! We got a great show for you tonight…”

12 HOURS LATER  
“We the jury deem Jimmy Fallon… Guilty.”  
Jimmy Fallon closed his eyes. He knew this was coming. He murdered that insane cricket man. God, he killed Conan O'Brien. Prison was where he belonged. 

“And would you like some crack with that prison sentence?” The judge joked.

Jimmy smiled. It was clever. It felt so good to hear that again.


	4. Epilogue

Andy Richter hosted The Tonight Show along with Colin Jost for 20 years. It was pretty good.

Jimmy spent 40 years in prison. The first thing he did when he got out was apologize to Andy. Then he went to leave flowers at Conan O'Brien's memorial, and apologized to him too. Jimmy visited Steve Higgins’ grave.

In 2067, a movie about these events came out, entitled “The Late Night Battleground”. It was a box office hit. For decades this was the most infamous serial killer story. But no one other than Andy, Jimmy, and Fred will ever truly know what happened there.


End file.
